I am going to spend the rest of my life with Jordan Starcrash!
Of all the months, I dislike February the most. I always get this feeling of malaise. It's nothing specific, I'm not even sure how to describe it. It's like, colors just aren't as bright. And it's not that I'm unhappy. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Jordan and I just celebrated our 2-month anniversary. School is going well. Work doesn't suck as much as it could. But I feel like I should be happier.
In a way, I think I feel bad because everything is going so well right now. And for the first time in a long time, I really feel okay about the state of my life.
But I look at the people around me who aren't as lucky, and I feel guilty. And not in some grand "starving children in China" way. Like, I read Julies LJ, and I want to help her, but I don't know how. Or when Jordan gets depressed and I never know what to say so he'll know I'm here for him. So I guess more than guilty, it's helpless.
February always makes me miss the spring. And I hate this dull anticipation, just waiting for the garden to be ready. But I can't make the spring come faster. And I can't keep the people I love warm.
Well, I guess I should be updating this more often. I feel like my whole life has a case of writers block lately. Like everything is just this storm waiting to break, but for the moment it's just this heavy, humid atmosphere.
Not literally, of course. Today was the coldest day we've had in a long time, and the air is so dry I think I might just shed the first layer of my skin.
It's hard to explain.
Take school: It's the end of the first month and I haven't had any real assignments due yet. But they've just been assigned in all of my classes. A paper in this class, and art project in that one... I'm not all that busy now, but I know I will be. And I don't mean to procrastinate, but I will. And then I'll stress out. A storm ready to break.
I'm a little bit nervous about the strain this stress will put on my relationship with Jordan. We haven't had our first fight yet, or hit any really "rough waters" at all. Of course, there have been a few small misunderstandings, but nothing worth getting stuck on. But when I'm stress I do one of two things: I lash out, or I close off. Neither of which is good for my love life.
Even so, I am somewhat excited by the possibility of a little tension. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to intentionally start a fight. And I love the way things are going with Jordan, now. But I don't really feel like I know some one until I've fought and made up. And it's important to me that Jordan feels like he can be honest with me, and bring things up even if he knows it's going to piss me off. Because I'd rather get it out in the open, battle it out and be done with it, than stew over it until the entire relationship ferments and starts to rot away. For me fighting is a sign of passion. Is that strange?
Maybe I'm thinking about this to much. I just hope he know that when I scream and yell, it's because I love him.
I was re-reading some past entries, and I realized that Jordan comes up several times per paragraph. And now that I think about it, we have seen each other almost everyday this past month. The only exceptions being the week he went to FL, and the days I go to my parents to work.
When I moved in with Sarah, she said that she and Matt had seen each other everyday since they had gotten together. And I remember thinking, "don't they get tired of each other?" But I understand now. Because every morning I wake up next to Jordan, I look forward to falling asleep next to him.
And in a way, I feel almost childish for allowing myself to fall in love so quickly. But when I'm with Jordan, I'm happy. And I miss him terribly when he's not with me. I don't really know how to explain it. I've never felt this way about anyone.
I love Jordan.
And I can't stop saying it.
Last night was really great. I know that sounds very simple, and usually I'd use a phrase like "extraordinarily magnificent", but I think phrase works here. I was tired and I went to bed (at Jordan's), and fell asleep. A little bit later (I'm not really sure how long) Jordan came in and laid down with me. **I truly enjoy laying in Jordan's arms and drifting off to sleep!**
So I'm half awake, and we're getting situated and Jordan's recounting a conversation he'd just had with John. Apparently Jordan said he hopes John doesn't feel like Jordan's been ditching the guys to hang out with me and apologized if he does, or something to that extent. Anyway, the important part was John's reply, which was this: not only does John not feel ditched, John considers me a friend. I don't think I expressed how happy I was about this at the time, I was very sleepy, but I am glad to know John thinks of me as more than just "Jordan's girlfriend". Because I think of John as my friend, and not just someone I hang out with sometimes because he's Jordan's friend. It's nice to know my feelings of friendship are reciprocal.
Backtracking to earlier that day, I had told Jordan "I think I'm falling in love with you." I know that's a total cop-out statement, (like saying "I think someone may have shit on the coats.") but I'm a coward when it comes to the "L-word". So back to the bed room, and Jordan's talking about how everything is going well in his life and such. And I'm not sure who said it first, probably Jordan, but the phrase "I love you" was exchanged.
Usually this is the point in the relationship when I get scared and start to slowly sever the intimacy. But with Jordan it just feels right. I feel like I can tell him that I love him, and hear him say it without running for the door. Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared. I'm just not running.
Why am I so scared? I am afraid of getting hurt, that's one thing. And yet, I understand that it's an inevitability. I worry that Jordan uses the term "love" very loosely. And while it means a lot to me, it might not mean as much to him. But that seems like a matter that can be solved with simple communication. Also, that problem is specific to this relationship.
So what frightens me about love? About falling in love? About admitting that I'm in love?
I think I'm afraid of becoming so comfortable in a relationship, I stay simply for the security. I'm afraid of becoming my parents.
So that's where I am. I'm scared, but I'm in love. And I'm elated. It's a strange juxtaposition of emotions. But for right now, I guess I'll just enjoy the euphoria.
- Music:Joni Mitchell "A Case of You"
Okay, last night I crocheted a huge scarf for Jordan. And I didn’t sleep at all because I was so excited about picking him up from the airport in the morning.
This morning I got Jordan from the airport. I met Jordan’s little brother, Sam, who’s as cute as a button. And I met Jordan’s father, who’s as much an asshole as he’s made out to be. Meeting Jordan’s father was an altogether awkward experience. But it was worth it to be back in Jordan’s arms.
Then Jordan and I went back to his place to rest, because I was really tired after staying up all night. But we ended up fooling around instead, which was very nice.
At about 1pm-ish I left Jordan’s to join up with the day-of-fun crew. We saw Brokeback Mountain, and I cried like a little bitch with a skinned knee. It was a great movie, one of the best love stories ever. I’ll probably go see it again. Maybe with Jordan.
After the movie, we went to a book store. I bought the next book in the Narnia Chronicles. Then Jason drove us back to my car at the movie theatre. I know I’m not a great driver. I probably don’t even qualify as a “good” driver. But riding in Jason’s car honestly scared me. Also, it slightly annoys me that I’ve been in two accidents (that the insurance company knows about) and Jason hasn’t been in any. Not that I want Jason to be in a car accident. In fact quite the opposite; I wish I could get away with driving like he does. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
So, once we survived the ride in Jason’s car, I offered to drive someone home. I was already heading out to my parent’s house, and I wanted some company. So Julie accepted. It was a nice chance to catch up with Julie.
When we got to her car, her battery was dead. So I called my dad and he brought one of those portable-car-battery-jumper-things. (He got it for Christmas a couple of years ago, and really likes to show it off.) But Julie’s keys were locked in her car, which in a way was kind of funny. Julie has power locks, so her car had just enough battery power to lock her out and beep since the keys were in the ignition, but not quite enough to start. Julie called her mom, who came with a spare key. And we went our separate ways.
Overall it was a fun day. Even though Julie’s car is a jerk. And that one scene from Brokeback Mountain is haunting my nightmares (go see the movie and you’ll know what I mean.) But it was nice to see Kevin and Jason and Julie. And I’m really glad Jordan’s back. I’m so happy I keep beginning sentences with conjunctions! I know I’m a nerd. It’s just that I got to see four of the people I miss the most on the same day.
So I heard this song like a month ago on "From Memphis to Manchester" (that show on kdhx) and it's been in my head ever since. Not that I'm complaining, it's a great song. It's called "One Great City" and it's by the Weakerthans. It's a beautiful song, you should listen to it. Right Now!
Now I just need to find out who sings "More Loves that Stupids". I don't even remember when I heard that song. On the radio, probably kdhx again, and at least a month ago. The only thing I can remember is that it has this one line that's like "don't mistake cynicism for wisdom". And I think if someone had said that to me 5 years ago, it would have saved me a lot of trouble.
Still haven't gotten my grades. I should probably return those library books. Meh. M-E-H: meh. I'm really in no hurry to see them.
Oh, I'm feeling better now. Nothing like a flat coke to settle the stomach.
What else? I commissioned my little brother to write me a theme song. I need a theme song, but who doesn't. Maybe we could go into business writing theme songs for people.
Well, it's time for me to go dream about Jordan. I hope your dreaming of me, all of you readers out there. Goodnight.
- Mood:sleepy, but content
- Music:"One Great City!" by the Weakerthans
Ech, I feel really sick. I know that's gross, and I don't care. I think I am just motion sick because I get vertigo when I'm tired, and I did a lot of riding in cars today. And I'm not used to sitting in the back seat.
Other than that, Xmas has been good. I a couple of cds. Most importantly, I got a new digital camera. The cannon rebel. 8 mega-pixels, infrared focus, interchangeable lenses, di-optical adjustment... and that's just what I've found out in the 1st five minutes playing with it. Is it wrong to get all hot and bothered by photography?
Speaking of things that get me all hot and bothered: Jordan called this morning. And by this morning, I mean about 1pm. Anyway, I've been smiling all day. I can't wait until he gets back. I need to find an outfit that makes me look really hot, so I can wear it to the airport. Then again, what don't I look hot in, right?
And the 27th is a DAY OF FUN! Hooray! I love fun! Kevin, Julie and Jason will be there. Maybe I should work on some presents for them tomorrow. And by present, I mean mix cd's that I will burn because they are free and I am poor.
Okay, I'm going to go watch Law & Order with my mommy.
- Music:something mellow like Iron and Wine
I went over to my parents' house today and gave my cat a bath. Miss Kitty, my cat, lives with my parents because she fights with my roommate's cat. I always forget how incredibly obese this cat is. So, today I had to give her a bath. Bathing my cat is always funny because she's so fat she can't stand in the water very well and she inevitably slips and falls over. Then I laugh at her, and feel guilty for laughing.
Recently (and by recently I mean about one year ago) Miss Kitty developed diabetes. I thought she was dieing. She lost a lot of weight and was thirsty all of the time. But the vet prescribed some insulin and high fiber food, and now she's fine. Well, other than the fact that she's fat and old.
Kevin hasn't called me about a day of fun, which makes me sad. I hope we're going to have one this winter. I haven't talked to Julie since I saw her in the grocery store. I hope she's doing well. I think I found her here on LJ, but I'm not sure. Also, I feel kind of like a stalker having found her lj without her expressly telling me about it.
Still missing Jordan. But absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Last night I was watching Futerama, and I had this crazy thought: I bet Jordan is in FL watching Futerama too (if his grandparents have cable and he's not too tired from shopping all day); then we're both watching the same thing at the same time, and connected in some way. Like that song from American Tale "Somewhere Out There". I probably shouldn't write down the crazy thoughts I have right before I fall asleep.
Woke up early when my room mate called to bitch about cleaning the apartment, so I guess I'll go do that today. There's nothing to eat in this place, and I feel like I have a craving I can't satisfy. So I end up munching and smoking and sleeping a lot. I guess I'm just bored. I need a hobby.